dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize