It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
