Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everclear isn't food dammit
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
