Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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