i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you had me at cake vodka
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize