Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
