Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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