That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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