Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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