i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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