i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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