Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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