what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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