Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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