What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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