'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
