don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
