im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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