I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
