My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize