i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize