My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The air was thick with penises
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
