she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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