Someone shit on the floor
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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