There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
