I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the condom got lost in my hair
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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