My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
