listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
