If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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