first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
