Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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