Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
