Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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