I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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