oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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