Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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