You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
