no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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