Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
