my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Drake has all the answers
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
