WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
