You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
