guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Four minutes until I can fart!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
