you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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