We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My vagina is officially offended.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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