Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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