Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize