if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
