apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
