dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Come on in and take your pants off
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