the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
