Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
