"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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