Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize