glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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