i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
