I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
