Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
