I think my fart just growled at me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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