someone owes me an orgasm
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
