If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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