Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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