Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
