booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
