Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
